Don't Call Me "Master"

(wisely excised from a “Tales From The Woods” column for Bondage Life magazine)

The title "Master" is one that's probably overused, and I believe anyone who gives themselves that title is immediately suspect. John Willie was The Master, no doubt about it. With his uncompromising standards, Jay Edwards has righteously earned his title. John Savage, Jason Cord and a few others can claim that rank without dispute. By choice, I've remained outside that realm, and I intend to stay there. I mean, it's just not my thing. It's okay for Igor and Dr. Frankenstein, or Jeanne and Major Nelson, but not for me. With that in mind, once I was at an informal "scene" dinner and some photos of a bondage I'd done with Lorelei were being passed around the table. One woman referred to me as a Master and I told her I wasn't one, then she leaned over and whispered to my girlfriend "That's the sign of a true Master." I felt like I was doing some weird variation on that bit from The Life of Brian. Later, I got an email from (curiously enough) one of our competitors who tried to give me the title again. I demurred, and he wrote back "After all the money I've spent on your videos, you'd better be a Master."

Along the same lines, a woman emailed me and called me "Sir," and I apprised her my knighthood hasn't come through yet, although I've been considering assuming the title "Clown Prince of Harmony." Not out of egotism, mind you, but because the title was left lying around the office and no one else wanted it. It's a half-step up from my current position, "Court Jester of Harmony." Another woman asked via email if I was THE Jon Woods, and I replied I was the one who worked for Harmony, though I wasn't sure if that allows me that three-letter title. But I told her she could call me "The" for short.

These days on the web, I’ve grown a bit intolerant of anyone who gives themselves an undeserved title. By that, I mean these guys who put a “Master,” “Lord” or “Sir” in front of their names. My first thought is that these self-proclaimed members of pseudo-royalty must have some self-esteem problem. My second thought is that they ought to be bitch-slapped back to reality. If you can’t prove that you’ve actually got a royal title (either from England or any of the other countries that still bestow titles), or even as much as a masters degree or, say, a martial arts black belt, you shouldn’t be using it. You’re not fooling anybody. You’re probably just the Master of your own Domain, and nothing else. I mean, you wouldn’t give yourself a title like “doctor” or “reverend” if you didn’t have the credentials to prove it.

On the other hand, I really have no problem with women calling themselves “Mistress.” After all, “Mrs.” is a contracted form of Mistress (and I would guess most of the Mistresses are married). And in an informal meaning of the word outside of the D/s community, a mistress is the woman whom a man is involved with outside his marriage. It conjures all sorts of images of an illicit relationship of a kept woman who’ll do things for the paying man that his wife won’t do. It just seems like a very appropriate title.

I’ve been trying to formulate a title I do like. I’ve come up with “That Guy.” I wouldn’t mind being called That Guy Jon Woods. I’m still formulating what exactly constitutes a “That Guy.” I would say offhand that a That Guy generally eschews titles, works hard for acceptance and doesn’t take himself too seriously.